The Road not Taken

I want to be a psychiatrist. Your all probably rolling your eyes right now. Oh and yes before you have to ask, I’m asian.

I do not mind at all the criticism and the eye rolls I earn when I tell people of the career I wish to pursue. The pedigree of all jobs, the doctor.

The criticism comes from the high expectation of asian parents. It is assumed that my longing for being a doctor is not instilled in me because of personal values, beliefs etc. but rather that my parents have expectations, and meeting them means becoming a doctor.

I’m not gonna lie, my family has many many expectations. With all my brothers, each with sky high ATAR’s the lowest being a “measly” 99.15%, the stakes are against me. I do also ponder dreams of being a writer, but the financial instability of such a job is unappealing to me because I have learnt to expect a certain standard of living, and a certain standard of achievement.

I find it interesting how much is expected of me based on my family line. I feel crushed by everything I should be, what if what I should be is not what I want to be? I don’t even know anymore what I want to be? What do I want to be? What do I want to be… Do I even have to be something? Can I not craft my own identity, create my own life free from the crippling eyes of judgement? I just want to achieve what I want, not what someone sitting on my shoulder wants. Whispering…

I’m not totally sure anymore. Psychiatry does appeal to me on a deeply personal level but by choosing this path I am scared that the other path will remain untouched as I am swamped with increasing study demands, family demands and financial demands. So much stress. I fear that I will be old and look back on my choice with dark, soul eating regret. Regret at choosing the path that was expected of me, the path that everyone wanted for me.

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